


two broken make a whole

by owilde



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Depression, Edited and reposted from an old account, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Wordcount: 10.000-30.000, fluff-ish, mentions of past abusive relationship, minor character death (in the past)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-22
Updated: 2016-06-22
Packaged: 2018-07-16 13:08:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7269586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/owilde/pseuds/owilde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nico's not broken, just a little messed up. Then again, so is Leo. All in all, it's really not that surprising when they end up trying to fix each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	two broken make a whole

**Author's Note:**

> This is edited and re-uploaded from my old account that I don't use anymore, _pridesenn_. I deleted it from there, so if this sounds familiar, or you saw the title and went "hey, I've seen this before!" - you might have. This is a new and improved version ( ~~not really~~ ) and I thought it'd be nice to post it here again on my new account.
> 
> Anyway, the tags are there for a reason - this fic has trigger warnings for all the things mentioned there. If you struggle with eg. self-harm, or if you're triggered easily, then please, please: read this fic with discretion or just skip it.
> 
> If the format is sort of iffy at points, this was originally chopped into different chapters, but I felt like I wanted to upload it now as a whole, so. Un-beta'd. Proof read at 6 am after staying up all night. Please let me know of any possible mistakes?

"Are you sure you're going to be alright? I mean, who knows what kind of people there are in that place? And what if your roommate is a horrible person? Are you _positive_ you packed the scissors I gave you? I mean, they're hardly useful in combat but you _can_ still stab with them, and _–_ "

"Hazel," Nico interrupted softly. "Do me a favor and stop talking for a moment, alright? I'll be fine."

Hazel let out a sigh and pursed her lips into a tight line, hands clasped together on her lap. Nico noticed how pale her face had become since their train had left the station, but opted not to comment on it. The silence hung heavy on the air, until Hazel let her head drop and cast her eyes down. "I'm just worried about you," she muttered while keeping her gaze on the train floor. Nico let out a silent sigh. He wasn't used to comforting anyone, and he wasn't good at it. No matter what he said, he'd most likely end up sounding harsh or uncaring. Sometimes he thought it was a bit worrying how he'd gotten so used to driving people away that he did it without even meaning to.

"I'm going to be just fine, Hazel. And don't _–_ you don't need to worry about my roommate, at least. I wrote him this summer and told him about my... about the situation, and he didn't seem bothered by it."

Which wasn't exactly the whole truth, but it wasn't a complete lie either and Nico really didn't want Hazel to think about it too much. If she got anxious her blood sugar tended to drop dangerously low, and he had enough problems as it was without having to deal with a fainted sister.

Besides, it was as close to the real story as he could get. He _had_ written the guy, Leo, in early June so it would've still been easy to change rooms if he'd had any complaints. Although to be honest, Nico could've done without writing the damn thing at all. He'd been so vague about things he was fortunate if the other boy understood a word. ( _'I feel like it's my obligation to let you know about this, since we're going to be roommates…' '… mental illness of a kind, it's not harmful to you in any way…' '… understand if you want to change rooms, please write back and let me know…' '…rather discuss this in person…'_ )

Leo's reply had come a few weeks later, a simple and short letter saying how it was not a big deal but that he'd really like to know more when they met in person if it was possible. ( _'I don't want to invade your personal space or nothing, but you know, if you're up for some sharing 'n caring...')._

Nico hadn't replied, which was probably a bad thing, but he just couldn't be bothered. Leo hadn't written him anymore letters either, and Nico was grateful for that. That meant he probably wasn't going to stick his nose too much into Nico's business.

Hazel cleared her throat, and Nico focused his attention back to her. She was getting a bit of her color back, cheeks looking healthier and her posture more relaxed than a while ago, with the smallest of smiles pulling at her lips. The more Nico looked at her, the more familiar she seemed. And then it hit him, like a punch to the gut.

For a fraction of second, she looked like Bianca.

 _No,_ he thought quickly and forced the thought as far to the back of his mind as he could. _You're not going to think about that at all. You're doing better – you're not going to relapse again._ His arms itched uncomfortably, but if he scratched now Hazel would notice and get upset again. Nico didn't want that. He pressed his nails into his palms, and even if the pain was only temporary it calmed his nerves.

Hazel didn't seem to figure anything was out of ordinary as she smiled at Nico fondly. "Yes, well. I can't help but worry about you all the time. You seem to have the habit of getting into trouble quite easily." She smiled, her face lifting up for a moment. Then her lips wavered, and the smile dimmed. "And as for your, um..." She waved her hand absently to the direction of Nico, her eyes trailing the sleeves of his shirt.

"My depression?" Nico asked, eyes narrowed.

She flinched, but nodded. "Yes, that. Is it, um. Do you have it... under control?"

There were certain moments when Nico wanted to punch a hole into a wall, and there were certain moments when he wanted to suffocate someone and possibly break their ribs afterward. Right now, he felt like committing genocide. A doctor had once told him he had anger issues, and he was probably right, because Nico went from one to hundred in a second.

"Do I ' _have it under control'_ , Hazel? Do I look like I fucking have it _under control_ , do I?" He hissed, trying to keep calm. _Hazel doesn't understand_ , he kept telling himself. She didn't know what it was like, waking up in the middle of the night to your dying sister's screams. What it was like sinking so low into the spiral of darkness that he felt he could never climb back up, what it was like to dream about it all ending and waking up with tears on his pillow because he wanted it, he wanted it all to end _so badly_. She had no clue, and he was glad for that. But sometimes she was just so _ignorant_ –

"I'm sorry," she hurried to say, eyes wide and her face paling again. "I didn't mean– Nico, I'm so sorry. I know it's hard for you, I just... I want to help you."

Nico took a deep breath. And another one. _She's doing her best_ , he thought. _She's trying_. He willed his breathing to slow down. "Yeah. It's... don't worry about it. Just forget about it," he gritted through his clenched teeth.

Hazel looked at him, eyes sad and pitying. Nico hated it. "I can't just _forget_ about it, Nico. What you do to yourself–"

" _Haz_. I'm telling you, shut it now."

She snapped her mouth close, her shoulders tensing up again. They stared at each other, Nico's eyes cold and empty, Hazel's full of sadness and confusion, and something he couldn't quite put his finger on. Before he could figure it out, she moved her gaze to the window, staring at the trees passing by, and Nico let out a sigh.

They spent the rest of the way to the school in silence.

…

Nico opened the door to his assigned room, 214, with caution. He had no clue what to except, since the one letter Leo had sent hadn't exactly been filled with information, and the only person he'd talked to in this school so far had been the cleaning lady, and she had taken one look at the room assignment paper Nico had shown her and grimaced. _'So you got Valdez, huh. Sucks to be you. The room's that way.'_ Nico hoped that didn't mean Leo turned out to be a serial killer, or worse, someone who listened to Modern Talking.

The door made a soft creaking sound as Nico stepped in, the bit too warm air conditioning greeting him immediately. At least the room _had_ air conditioning, though. The last school he'd stayed in, before he'd been kicked out, had been freezing in the winter and burning hot in the summer. Hopefully he'd be in this school long enough to see the winter.

Nico glanced around the small room quickly. Two beds, pushed to the left and right sides of the room, a desk between them in the far end and two closets. The walls were painted white, but there were slices of olive green still shining through at some places. There was one large window facing the door, and it was enough to light up the whole room if the lights were out. Not exactly overwhelmingly great, but Nico had expected as much. He'd been in worse places.

A boy was standing in the middle of the dorm room, hands in his pockets, grinning so widely it looked like his face might split. He'd already taken the bed on the right side, his bags thrown carelessly on top of it, so Nico assumed he was staring at Leo. Except, he'd thought Leo to be a little bit different. Well, a lot different. The image of a regular, stylish posh guy in his mind changed quickly – blond hair was replaced by a curly dark brown mop, the pale skin turned light brown, the tidy school outfit became a messy button-up and jeans.

"Hey, there. I'm assuming you're my new roommate then? Di Angelo?" The boy asked, and his voice surprised Nico too. It was a lot higher than what he'd thought, and his accent was far from a British one. Somewhere from America, maybe? He'd have to ask. Nico managed a silent nod, letting the door close behind him with a small thud.

"I'm, uh, yeah. Call me Nico," he mumbled and took a few hesitant steps towards the unoccupied bed. The other boy flopped down on his own bed, somehow managing to avoid crushing his things, before extending his hand towards Nico with another smile. Nico put his bags down on the floor and slowly shook the offered hand, curling his fingers against Leo's. His hands felt strangely warm against Nico's own cold skin, and he found himself not wanting to let go just yet. _Stop it_ , his mind quickly supplied, _don't even go there_. But before he could dwell on the feeling any longer Leo pulled his hand away.

"Name's Leo, but you probably figured that out already," he said cheerfully and Nico wasn't sure whether to find his sunshine attitude annoying or not. Not knowing what to reply, he settled for nodding again. Leo grinned. "Well, you don't talk much do you? It's alright, I probably talk enough for both of us."

Nico decided he liked Leo well enough. Hazel was always forcing him to 'open up', and 'talk about his feelings', and Nico wasn't exactly gifted with words so it usually ended up in a mess and someone – most of the time Hazel – crying. Scratch that, it was always Hazel who cried. Nico hoped Leo wasn't the type to cry easily. He didn't seem like it, at least.

"You never answered my letter, you know."

Nico lifted his eyes to look at Leo, who was still smiling though it didn't look as bright anymore. Nico cleared his throat and turned to look at his shoes. "Yeah, well. I didn't really have anything to say."

"... Right. Well, I did say I'd like to talk about whatever is up with you, but I feel like I shouldn't get too much into your business. Piper says I have no boundaries, and she's kinda really right, but I'll try not to interrogate you too soon."

Nico had no idea who Piper was, but she sounded like a smart person and someone Nico might get along with. He made an effort to remember the name for later.

"It's not a big problem," Nico told him, keeping his eyes on his shoes. "I was, um, diagnosed with... depression a few years ago." Nico briefly wondered whether or not he should start lying to his roommate this early on about everything. But then again, it was better than telling everything Nico had so carefully tried to keep under wraps even from Hazel. _It is a big problem. It's more than depression. I was diagnosed five years ago. I tried to stop hurting myself so many times. I failed over and over again. I'm not okay. It hurts all the time._ Nico looked at Leo, expecting the usual expression of pity with a tint of disgust and wonder, and the words 'That's too bad'. (Or, in one case, _'Right, get your ass out of this room now, I don't want you hanging yourself here_.')

Instead he found Leo looking at him with something resembling actual understanding. For a moment Leo looked like he knew exactly what ran through Nico's head every day, knew exactly how he felt. But then Nico blinked and the look was gone, replaced by a vague smile and expressionless eyes. "Sorry 'bout that. Don't stress it though, as long as you don't stab me in my sleep we're cool. The last guy I had to room with, man, you wouldn't believe... I'll tell you sometime."

Nico nodded, a small smile playing on his lips. Leo, it seemed, wasn't going to be a problem at all. He should write Hazel and tell her not to worry. Or call. He should probably call; Hazel was more reassured by hearing him talk than by reading his one sentence letters. Nico sat down opposite Leo, who was now staring at the roof.

"Would you be opposed to a bit of decoration, when I get all my stuff out?" He asked.

"Depends on what kind of decoration you're talking about?"

"Dunno yet. It's just, looking at those cracks on the walls is gonna get real boring really soon."

Nico agreed with that. "Sure. Do, uh, do what you want."

Leo turned to look at him, smiling. "You know what, Di Angelo? I think we're going to get along just well."

Nico surprised himself by returning the smile, his lips turning fully upwards for the first time in a while. "Yeah, I think so too."

**…**

"No, Hazel, I'm telling you, he's cool with it–"

" _How can he possibly be '_ cool with it _'?_ "

"Well I don't know, he's not such a fucking idiot like Mike was–"

" _Please don't swear, Nic._ "

"– then stop interrupting me, will you? Leo's alright."

Hazel was silent on the other end of the line. Then: " _How do you know? You've only met him once, haven't you_?"

Nico wanted to bang his head against something. He was glad he'd decided to have this conversation on the hallway instead of in their room – he doubted that Leo would've liked a new crack on the wall this early on in the semester. Or blood on the carpet, for that matter, because Nico was about this close to ripping the stitches off of his wounds. Although, that carpet was so horridly ugly Nico didn't think the blood would've been able to make it any worse, really.

He sighed deeply and closed his eyes, leaning his forehead against the wall. It seemed like he'd have to pull one of the emotional wild cards out of his sleeves. "Jesus, Hazel. What do you want me to say? We met, we talked, I smiled, I left to call you. I think that's enough time to figure out he's just fine."

Another silence followed, and Nico wasn't sure whether it was a good one or not. "You... smiled?" She finally asked, doubt visible in her voice. Nico remembered again just why he didn't like talking with Hazel on the phone. In person she could usually tell when he was being sincere and when not.

"Yes, Hazel, I smiled a genuine, real smile. _Now_ do you believe he's alright?"

He could almost hear her processing the words in her head. "You actually– you're not kidding? You haven't really smiled since Bia–"

"Yeah, well, now I am. So lay off, please. I'll call you later," Nico interrupted and quickly hung up, resisting the urge to smash the phone into pieces. Instead he curled his hand around it, his nails digging into his palms again. Not deep enough to draw blood. That was good. Nico didn't want to scare Leo into leaving right away. He was the first person in a long time who didn't immediately question Nico, and that was enough of a reason for Nico to try and keep himself together. And he supposed he could try to stay at this school for longer than two months, while he was at it.

Nico heard the door behind him open, the already familiar creaking sound echoing loudly in the empty hallway. A few quiet steps followed, trailing closer to Nico. He wouldn't, _couldn't_ turn around just yet. If he did, Leo would be able to see everything from his face and Nico wasn't ready to let his mask slip away just yet. Maybe he'd never be. Perhaps he would die with no one ever knowing the true him. _Then again_ , he thought bitterly, _who exactly are you anyway?_

"Di Ang– Nico? You alright, man?" Leo asked, voice nonchalant and cheery. Nico thought he could distinguish something like worry underneath it, but he doubted it. Mentally bracing himself, he opened his eyes and took a deep breath through his nose. Then Nico turned around, coming face to face with Leo who was standing mere inches away. For a moment Nico was able to tell up-close all the different shades of brown in his eyes, even the few spots of green, and how _ridiculously_ long lashes he seemed to have, and the exact way his brows arched. Then Leo took a step back and Nico let out the breath he didn't realize he'd been holding. _Get yourself together._

"Yeah, I'm fine," he lied and hoped his voice wasn't shaking too much as he forced his lips to form a fake smile. "I was just talking to my sister." He cursed Hazel for bringing Bianca up again: those memories were still too fresh to be ripped open so casually.

Leo looked at him, raising a skeptical brow. "Seems like that went really well, considering you're here leaning your head against a wall and lying through your teeth," he said with an unhappy smirk.

Nico froze. "What do you mean, lying?"

Leo seemed hesitant, the smirk disappearing. "Just, you know. You're obviously not _fine_ , that much's pretty clear. If you don't wanna talk about it, it's cool, but just... I don't know," Leo finished with a shrug. Nico didn't say anything, staring at Leo with a frown. He didn't understand. He obviously wouldn't have fooled Hazel with his fake smile and words, but surely... Leo shouldn't be able to tell. Nico had practiced his expressions for years – if he wanted to seem fine, he did. Either he was slipping after spending the summer practically alone, or something else was going on.

"I... I'm fine," he repeated dully and before Leo could reply, they heard someone yelling from the other end of the hallway. Nico turned around to see an unfamiliar guy walking towards them, his eyes on Leo. He looked like what Nico had first imagined Leo to be – the student equivalent of Clark Kent, except this one had blonde hair. He was waving at them (at Leo) and Nico was pretty sure he heard Leo curse under his breath in another language.

"Hey, Jason. 'Sup, man?" Leo asked as the blonde Clark Kent-copy got closer. Nico really wanted to walk past Leo to their room, to the safety of four walls, but figured he didn't want to seem too rude now that he'd decided he was at least _trying_ to stay in this school.

The Clark Kent-copy – Jason – smiled. "Not bad, not bad at all. It's good to see you, Valdez. Piper was asking for you, you coming?"

Leo glanced quickly at Nico, who offered a small smile, before looking back at Jason. "Uh, yeah, sure. This is Nico, by the way," he said and waved his arm towards Nico who stood still.

Jason turned to look at him, smiling widely. "Nice to meet you. You're Leo's roommate, right?" Nico nodded, and they shook hands. He noticed how Jason's hands didn't feel as warm as Leo's. He also figured it was better not to think about it too much.

Jason said something that Nico missed, and soon Leo began walking away with Jason, giving Nico an apologetic smile over his shoulder. "We'll talk later, alright?" He said and then turned around before Nico could so much as open his mouth.

"We'll talk later," he echoed to the empty hallway once Leo and Jason turned around the corner.

**…**

Jason waited until they were around the corner of the hallway before he started interrogating.

"So, what was up with that?" He asked, gently nudging Leo in the ribs with a smirk.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Superman."

Jason raised his brows in an unimpressed manner, turning around and walking backwards so he could face Leo. "Sure you do. You only met that guy, what, today?"

Leo nodded hesitantly, unsure of where Jason was going with this. He usually didn't like it when Jason tried to read people, specifically Leo himself, because after he'd hung out with Piper for such a long time he'd actually gotten pretty good at it. Not that he'd gotten that much out of Leo – ever since the incident, he'd carefully tucked everything deep inside his mind, only to dwell on when he was alone, and kept the positive cover on all the time. That cover hadn't fallen off in a long time, not after that one late night talk with Piper.

Except, of course, today. When he saw the look on Nico Di Angelo's face and recognized it as the same look that stared back at Leo from the bathroom mirror each morning. The look of tiredness and anger, of frustration and sadness. And lies. Granted, he'd only seen it for a brief second, but it had been there regardless. That'd been the moment when his own carefully crafted mask had slipped away too, revealing the dark thoughts that surrounded him all the time. He might be wrong, but there was something that told Leo Nico might be able to understand him.

But Leo wasn't going to harass him on the first day they met, so it was better not to think about it at all.

"So you met today, and you're already fighting like an old married couple? I mean, I know you had disagreements with Calypso, but dude, you should've felt the tension there. So, what was up?" Jason pressed on, brows still up in his hair line.

Leo brushed the haunted face of Nico from his mind, grinning. "Not much. He was just withholding some information, nothing important," he said and relaxed when Jason seemed to not want him to elaborate. "And dude, don't bring Calypso up, alright? Too soon, man."

It really wasn't. Calypso had been fun to hang out with, and fun to pretend to be in love with. But when she'd left one morning a few years ago, leaving behind a note and a forgotten hair brush, it didn't really break his heart. No matter how much he'd tried to have some sort of attachment to her that was more than just 'you're pretty cool', it simply wasn't there. She'd been beautiful, but more in a scientific sense and less in a personal way.

When Leo really thought about it (not too often, though), he'd never really been in love. There'd been crushes, and short relationships, but nothing that made his heart flutter or stomach drop. Nothing lasting. Leo sometimes wondered what to make out of it, but then decided it didn't matter. If he one day fell in love, he did. And if he didn't, then that was that.

Jason grimaced, brows furrowing. "Right, sorry." He turned back to walk next to Leo, falling into step beside him. They walked in silence for a few minutes, passing doors and turning corners. Finally, after door number 321, Leo felt it was only appropriate to fill the quietness with something, because not saying anything was driving him mad.

"So, how are you and Piper doing?"

A happy (if Leo were to say _blissful_ he wouldn't be exaggerating) smile broke on Jason's face, his eyes brightening. "Oh, we're _great_. We had our two-year anniversary about a month ago, remember?"

What Leo remembered was Jason calling him in panic at two in the morning, rambling about how it was indeed their anniversary and he had no plans whatsoever, and could Leo please maybe help him out because Piper was going to hang him if she found out he forgot about their anniversary?

(Leo had helped, and Jason still owed him one for that.)

"Yeah, I do," he said out loud.

"Yeah, so that was awesome, right? She's awesome too, but you know that. There's just all these little things that I love about her, you know? She's just so..." Jason trailed off, and while Leo wasn't completely sure how Piper was _just so,_ he didn't ask Jason to continue. Soon they arrived at Jason and Piper's room, Jason knocking quickly before opening the door.

As soon as Leo stepped in, he had armful of Piper in his hands. She hugged him tight, her hair falling to his back and her hands thrown around his neck. Leo hugged her back, letting his forehead rest on her shoulder. "You okay?" She whispered to his ear, low enough for Jason not to hear. She always asked him that when they met after the summer, had done so ever since Leo had told her about his problems and past.

"Just fine," he whispered back before letting her go and taking a step back.

She was smiling brightly, looking exactly like she had two and a half months ago. "It's good to see you, Leo," she said softly and Leo smiled.

"You too, Pipes."

Jason coughed, slowly wandering back towards the door. "I'll leave you two to gossip for a while, alright? I'll go check if Reyna's here yet," he said and stepped out, the door falling shut behind him.

Piper began talking as soon as he was out, dragging Leo to sit down with her on one the beds. " _So_ , who's your roommate? Is she cute? Is it a she? Is _he_ cute? Give me names and details, please," she asked in rapid speed, and Leo was reminded once again why he loved having her as a friend so much. He could tell her anything knowing that she wouldn't judge him.

"He's, uh, Nico," he began and she grinned. "He seems cool. I mean... I like him." Leo wondered how much to tell her, how much Nico would be comfortable with, but decided it wasn't his place to share the information even if it was to Piper.

She grinned even wider. "So you think you'll be alright with this... Nico, was it? I don't have to worry about you too much, do I?"

Leo thought for a moment, the memory of Nico's face flashing in his mind.

"No," he said, nodding slowly. "No, I'll be alright."

**…**

They formed a habit of some sort, him and Nico, as soon as their classes began. They both got up at the same time (which was way too early because Nico, apparently, was a morning person while Leo most definitely was not), ate breakfast together (most of the time it was cereal without milk, because usually they were both in a hurry after Leo took an hour long shower to wake up properly), and left their room at the same time. They both went their separate ways, sat next to each other in the classes they shared, and spend lunchtime at the same table with Jason and Piper. In the afternoon they returned to their room, did their homework, and lately, talked _._ Talked about irrelevant things, talked about school, talked about _feelings_. Leo still wasn't quite sure just how this latest development had begun. He knew _when_ , though.

It'd been a Friday night, and Leo had been unable to sleep. Thoughts (rather unpleasant ones) kept surfacing in his mind no matter how hard he tried to suppress them, and he'd been tossing and turning in his bed until the early morning trying to get rid of them. It was around 5 am when Nico had whispered, in such a quiet voice that Leo almost missed it, "Can't sleep either?"

A few minutes later they'd both been sitting with the lights on and discussing their selective insomnia, and from that the topics had escalated to almost everything else.

Now, a couple of weeks later, Leo knew all these little things about Nico he'd stored into his brain. For example, despite what his choice of clothing suggested, his favorite color was in fact blue, and not black. His favorite season was fall, because summer was too hot and winter too cold, but spring was too cheery. He had one sister, though he did get an uncomfortable look on his face when talking about her so Leo suspected there was more to the story. He didn't see his father often, and his mother had died when he'd been little. He was seventeen years old now, but was aware that he looked like 'a really tough 10-year old with an emo haircut'. He didn't listen to _My Chemical Romance_ or any of the other bands Leo had suggested, but was reluctant to tell what he did actually listen to. They had a shared obsession of the same television shows, which proofed to be an endless source of conversation. Nico didn't really watch movies, but read instead.

(That had inspired Leo to arrange a movie marathon for one weekend. He couldn't have a roommate who hadn't watched _The Lord of the Rings_ , no matter how many times said roommate had _read_ the books and knew, in fact, what the plot was perfectly well.)

They didn't talk about Nico's depression. Not yet, anyway. Leo was sure they'd tackle the subject at some point, but he wanted to get to know Nico better first. Or maybe he wanted Nico to get to know him better. Which, to be honest, was a new feeling for Leo. Besides Piper, and maybe to an extent Jason, no one knew the real Leo under his layers of humor and sarcasm. And yet slowly but surely he was giving Nico, a guy he'd met only about a month ago, bits and pieces of himself he didn't share with anyone.

Leo was still in the midst of deciding whether or not this new found openness was a good thing.

He hadn't really told Nico _that_ much – he still kept his mother's death, and various other things, under cover. But at this rate he'd probably end up confessing his whole life story to Nico during one of their Late Night Shows. Which, again; was that a good or a bad thing, who knew. Leo didn't.

"Are you joking? Who _doesn't_ like Gandalf?" Nico asked, efficiently pulling Leo from his thoughts back to the real world. He was leaning slightly towards Leo, searching his eyes as if there was something wrong with Leo's condition.

Leo rolled his eyes in response. " _I_ don't. I mean yeah, he's a cool character and all, but dude. He's _such_ an asshole sometimes," Leo retorted and could _feel_ the annoyance radiating from Nico more than see it.

"He's no– well, yeah, _kind of_. But you can't deny the fact that he sacrifices himself to save Frodo and the others, right?"

"And then he _comes back_. It's not really a worthy sacrifice if he doesn't actually, you know, _sacrifice_ himself. That's like, the same as Sherlock throwing himself off of the hospital roof and then watching his own funeral. He didn't actually _die_."

"You can't compare those things! Sherlock was aware that he wasn't going to die, he had a _plan_. Did Gandalf have a plan? No, he didn't."

This was what Leo really, really enjoyed about their talks – when they got into an argument about things Leo couldn't argue about with Piper and Jason, because they didn't share Leo's obsession with everything television related. He leaned against the wall, watching Nico with raised eyebrows. They were both sitting on Leo's bed, mainly because talking from the other ends of the room required a bit of yelling and it was already pretty late.

"Well how do you know that? Maybe he was planning his fall and comeback all along, and just _made_ himself look like a big hero, eh?"

"How do I–" Nico shut his mouth, pulling his best 'I am offended' face as Leo liked to call it. It was usually followed by a smug fact that proved him right, or... "I know, because I've actually _read_ the books, unlike some others who shall not be named."

Leo grinned. "But the books aren't really from Gandalf's point of view, are they? You don't know what he's been planning under that wizard hat."

"Well, neither do you."

"Touché, my friend."

Nico smiled hesitantly, like he was afraid his face might break if he grinned too widely. It was a nice look on him, Leo thought. Better than the scowl, at least.

"We're friends?" He asked in a soft voice, and Leo felt something unfamiliar tug at his heart.

"Yeah," he said and felt his own lips form a smile too. "'Course we're friends, Nico. What would I do if I didn't have someone to argue about fictional things with?" He felt the tugging at his heart more clearly now, like it was a machine that'd just been turned on instead of an organ.

Nico smiled a bit wider. "Yeah, you'd be lost without me, wouldn't you?"

"Yeah, I would. Completely," Leo said, and found himself unsure as to whether he was joking or not. That, he thought, was another thing he should figure out later. One shouldn't interrupt important Late Night Arguments with too serious thoughts. And so he steered the conversation back to Gandalf, and filed the thought under the ' _All things Nico'_ category, and vowed he'd think about the strange feeling later. And if the thought of Nico's smile creeped into his mind more often than not, well, no one would know.

**…**

_Nico's back in the forest, again. He can't see well but he's sure it's the same place, he can feel the familiar soft breeze and hear the birds singing. They shouldn't be singing. This forest feels rotten, and the birds should know that. Nico knows that. He doesn't know why, though._

_His vision's getting clearer, the blurred trees sharpening out and soon he can separate the leaves from each other. He was right – it's the same familiar forest. He's been here often enough, with his sister. It's the one that's about a five-minute walk from their house. Something's out of place, but Nico can't figure out what._

_He takes a few steps forward, avoiding stepping on branches and rocks. He walks down the path, the familiar path he's walked so many times before. It's the one that leads to the cliff, Nico's fairly sure. He can't see the sky from the trees, but it seems dark enough to be late evening._

_The birds sing louder the more he walks, the tune remaining the same. It sends shivers down his spine for whatever reason, and Nico really wants them to stop singing, to just shut up for a moment._

_Finally, he reaches the end of the path. The trees fade away to the background as he steps out of the forest and into the cliff. He's not supposed to be here, not really – his sister's told many times how dangerous it is. 'You could fall off,' she'd said. And it does feel wrong, being here. It's not the same wrong as the forest, it's worse, and the birds are still singing even though Nico can't see them anymore. He turns around to trace the voice, and when he turns back she's there. His sister._

" _Bianca," he calls out and walks slowly towards her. She has her back turned to him, and the wind's blowing her hair around. The wind's strong too, just like the singing, and Bianca's swaying dangerously close to the edge. Too close, he thinks, mere inches away. "Bianca, please," Nico says again but he's not sure why he's pleading. She still doesn't turn around, and Nico takes more steps towards her. "Bianca?" He asks, stopping a few meters away._

_And then she turns around, nearing the edge even more. Nico doesn't know what's beyond the cliff, what's laying all the way down there, but he wants Bianca to just step away and closer to him. Closer to being safe. Her hair gets stuck to her face, and Nico realizes she's crying. Why is she crying? "Is something wrong?" he asks and frowns._

_She smiles at him, a sad sort of smile that doesn't really reach her eyes. It doesn't suit her, doesn't look like the Bianca he knows, and suddenly Nico wants to cry, too. The singing and the wind get louder each second, filling the space around them._

" _I'm sorry, Nico, I really am," she says and Nico doesn't understand. Why is she sorry? He repeats the question out loud. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you as much as I should've been. I'm sorry I can't be there for you in the future." And Nico's even more confused, because where is she going? She's only standing on the cliff with her toes, now, and Nico's worried the wind's going to blow her down. He steps closer, taking Bianca by the wrist and holding her. She can't fall, she won't. She wouldn't do that to Nico. Would she?_

" _Mi dispiace, Nico," she whispers and her words cut through the singing and wind like she'd yelled them. "Ti amo."_

_And then she's prying her hand away from Nico's grip, and before Nico can reach for her again, she's tipping backwards, falling over and off the cliff._

" _Bianca!" He's screaming, he thinks he's screaming but he can't hear himself, he can't hear anything except for the singing of the birds, and he can see her disappearing to the darkness, can hear her yelling through the noise, and suddenly she stops and the birds stop, and everything's becoming white and he can't see, he can't hear–_

"Nico," A voice whispered near his ear, and he woke up. It was dark, it was the same darkness where Bianca fell to, and he still couldn't _see_ \- "Nico, it's me, it's Leo. Are you alright?"

That pulled Nico back, if only for a moment. He remembered. He was at school, with Leo, in their room, in his bed. He wasn't at the cliff. Bianca was gone, had been gone for years. Nico took a shuddering breath, and then he saw better again, once his eyes adjusted to the darkness. Leo was crouched beside his bed, his hands holding Nico by his shoulders and his face a few inches away from Nico's. He looked concerned, worried.

For some reason, Nico's first reaction wasn't to pull away and get as much distance between him and Leo as possible. He sat up and leaned against the wall, only now noticing how he was shaking, and Leo let go of him. _Please don't,_ Nico thought but didn't say it out loud. Apparently he didn't have to – Leo stood up and soon was sitting next to him, fingers gently touching Nico's hands. The contact reminded him that he wasn't dreaming anymore, that this was real life now. "A nightmare?" Leo asked after a while, and Nico nodded. There was no reason to lie, Leo would see through him in seconds.

"Mind telling what it was about? You don't have to, if you don't want, just..."

The silence lasted for a few seconds before Nico whispered in a hoarse voice, "My sister."

He could feel more than see Leo's confusion. "Hazel?"

Nico shook his head, slightly pressing against Leo's side. He was warm, and real – a constant reminder that Nico was indeed awake. "I had a– a real sister, before my dad married Hazel's mom. Bianca." Saying her name out loud hurt more than it should've, and as if Leo had felt his discomfort, he laced his fingers through Nico's.

"You don't have to talk about it now," Leo whispered.

"Thank you," Nico mumbled back.

And they sat like that, holding hands in silence, until Nico felt like he could fall asleep again. He didn't ask Leo to leave, he wasn't sure if he wanted him to. So instead he rested his head against Leo's shoulder, closing his eyes. And just before he slipped away again, he was sure he felt someone press a soft kiss to his forehead. Then everything went blissfully dark.

**…**

"Communication is the key, Leo," Piper said on the other end of the line. She sounded exasperated, and Leo could picture her frowning. Then again, Leo _had_ called her at 4 in the morning from the hallway, whispering frantically because ' _holy shit Pipes, I fucked up bad this time'._ At least she'd picked up the phone.

"Yeah, well, how do you communicate with someone who doesn't want to communicate?" He asked in return and then regretted it right after. "And before you even say it, I know your example of poor communication skills is me."

"It took me a year to get you to even talk about your mom, so yeah. You could say that." She sighed. "Look, I know you're not exactly about to share and care with someone you've known for, how long?"

"Three months or so."

"Right. So why not just let it go and leave Nico to deal with his nightmares on his own?"

Leo opened his mouth to answer, before closing it again. Piper was right. Why should he care about a guy he'd met not even so long ago? They didn't even know each other well enough. Although, if Leo thought about it, he probably knew more about Nico after three months than he'd ever known about Calypso. Which wasn't just a terrifying thought, but also an absurd one. Leo had loved Calypso – or, to be honest, he'd just _claimed_ to love her. His feelings had never run deeper than 'some sort of fondness'.

But Nico he knew. Granted, he didn't know _everything_. But he was accustomed to Nico's quirks, moods and changes. He knew a lot trivial information about him, and a lot of not so trivial. He could read the other boy's expressions and safely say whether he was in a good mood or not.

He had woken up in the middle of the night to sit with Nico after he had a nightmare. Leo hadn't had to deal with someone regularly having nightmares besides himself in a while.

"I can't just let it go," he finally said to Piper. "He's suffering, even if he doesn't admit it."

The long silence from Piper's end meant either that she'd fallen asleep or that she was about to hit Leo with some hard truth no one else was brave enough to tell him. It turned out, not surprisingly and unfortunately, to be the latter.

"You're suffering too, Leo. Even if you don't admit it."

Leo took a deep breath, shoulders hunching. "Well luckily I have you to talk to, huh?" He joked weakly. She sighed again.

"All I'm saying is, if you want him to talk to you, maybe you should try talking to him first?"

"Yeah, I suppose. I'll talk to him when he wakes up, or whatever."

"Good." She was quiet for a moment, and Leo fiddled with the hem of his shirt. Piper knew him better than anyone, and because of that she also knew Leo wasn't one to call at an odd hour just because his roommate had a nightmare. He was right; she continued talking in a few seconds. "Now, this wasn't what you really called me about, was it?"

Leo hesitated a moment, biting his lower lip. _I'll bite the bullet._ "Well, uh. I might've, um, you know. Realized that I really, _really_ like him. I mean,  _really_ , and so I kind of- kissed him?" he stuttered out. The empty hallway seemed even emptier when a heavy silence landed on the phone line.

Then: "What do you mean you _kissed him_?" Piper demanded, voice stranded. "You don't just go kissing people around, Leo, what the hell?"

He slid down against the floor, drawing his feet up and resting his head against his knees. He'd fucked up, he knew he'd fucked up. He'd had a great friendship with Nico – as great as one can have when you've known each other for three months – and he'd ruined it all by getting a crush on the other boy. Or whatever he was feelings right now. Why did this happen to him every single time? Well, no. Not every time. There'd been Calypso, who'd been a nice friend and an okay girlfriend. There'd been Janine, who'd been an annoying roommate and nothing more. There'd been Carl, who'd been a great friend and then an absent one when things got weird between them.

Then there'd been Ashton. Ashton, who'd at first made him feel like he was the world and then turned it all upside down and around. Ashton, who'd left him feeling like a wet leaf on a street, driven over by a car.

Leo didn't want that to happen again. Or did he? Maybe he deserved it. What with being such a fuck up and all, what else could he have? Maybe what he needed was for someone to break him again. Not that he was fixed now, not even close. Maybe, if he fell for Nico, he could shatter him like Ashton had. Maybe...

"Leo? You there?" Piper's concerned voice broke through his thoughts, and Leo lifted his head up again. The dorm room was staring back at him, and it seemed like the cracks on the door were mocking him. _Look at you. Pathetic._

"Leo, are you–"

"Yeah, I'm here. Sorry."

"Are you alright? Look, I'm sorry, what I said was a bit harsh and–"

"No, don't worry 'bout it. And besides, I just kissed him on the forehead. So, you know. No worries."

"I always worry about you. Just... be careful, okay? I don't want you to get hurt again."

 _I want to,_ Leo thought bitterly. But he couldn't tell that to Piper. She worried enough as it was, and besides, it wasn't any of her business. It was Leo's messed up life, and his messed up head, and his messed up feelings. No need to get his friend involved.

"Yeah, I'll be fine."

The lie slipped through his mouth easily. _Just a small white lie_ , a voice in the back of his head whispered.

**…**

The scissors dropped to the bathroom floor with a cling as Nico sank down the wall next to them, curling his shaking hands around his sides. He'd been doing so good. He'd been clean for so long, and then there'd been one nightmare and a kiss and now he was a wreck again. His eyes focused on the small droplets of blood that the scissors left to the floor. It wasn't a new sight, but it had been such a long time since he'd last felt the need to get away for a moment he'd forgotten how ugly it looked. How bad it made him feel. The feeling that Nico relished was when the blade cut through his skin, when the pain drove his thoughts away and he could get lost in nothing. The addicting feeling of numbness, the familiar sting afterward. That was what brought him back, what made the cold steel against his arms seem like a good thing.

But then the pain replaced the numbness, and the thoughts came back, and Nico realized how he could never really escape. And then he was left with bloody hands and a constant reminder of how stupid he was.

He looked down at his shaky hands, moving them to his lap. He'd ripped his stitches. Again. And this time Hazel wasn't there to sew him back together and clean his wounds up. _Fucking hell._ He'd have to throw the sweater away, too. The stances were too big now to ever be washed out. That was a shame; he'd really liked that sweater. All because of his dumb fucking mind and dumb fucking feelings.

The nightmare was nothing new. He'd had them ever since Bianca had died, and he'd gotten as used to them as he could. They made him wake up, but they didn't make him want to cut his veins open. Which was how he'd felt after he'd woken up, alone, with the feeling of Leo's lips still on his skin. How could Nico have been so stupid? His rule, his number one rule when getting a new roommate was _don't fucking get a crush on them._ It saved time, it saved unnecessary heartbreaks, it saved him the trouble of having to leave because nobody wanted to sleep in the same room with him after they found out. Well, not really. Percy had been civil about it. But then he'd left too, to move in with Annabeth, and honestly Nico had been fine with it. Or at least it had taken him much less time to get over it than he'd expected.

But now Nico was caught up with a problem again. A problem named Leo Valdez. Nico wasn't even sure what he was feeling. Leo made him laugh, made him smile, made him genuinely happy for the first time in who knows how long. He was the opposite of Nico – positive, nice, friendly, enthusiastic. He was everything Nico usually hated in a person, not to mention in a roommate.

And he probably wouldn't like Leo as much if it weren't for that first day when they'd met, when Nico had recognized himself by looking at Leo. Which just made him even more intrigued; what was Leo really like? Was he, like Nico, hiding everything deep inside under the mask? Did his heart also do an extra flip when he locked eyes with Nico? Was he trying, without success, to get up from the dark pit he'd fallen in, too?

Nico looked at his hands again, watching the drops turn to small lines running across his wrists, crossing each other before separating again and falling to the floor. If he wanted to know anything about Leo, he'd have to talk to him. He'd have to figure things out, and he wasn't quite sure he wanted to. Because he wasn't ready for the rejection if Leo had no idea what he was talking about. He wasn't ready to move out, and he definitely wasn't ready to forget the feeling of Leo's lips just yet. It wasn't like ripping a plaster off – it was like slowly peeling your skin away. No, he'd wait it out. He'd see what happened, and then if it got too bad, he'd leave.

His mind set, Nico slowly pushed himself up from the floor and took his sweater off. A few more red drops fell off as he stuffed the thing to his bag, pulling his long sleeved shirt out after. There was really nothing he could do about the wounds now, except maybe wash them. So he exited the stall and splashed some water first on his face and then his hands. The water turned pink before washing away to the sink. Nico pulled the shirt on, collected the scissors and stuffed them to his bag too.

This was usually the point where he wondered if the few seconds of bliss were worth all this effort.

(They were.)

Leaving the bathroom, Nico walked down the hallway to their room that he'd bolted out of as soon as possible after waking up. The numbers 214 were glaring at him when he turned the handle, slipping inside and dropping his bag on the spot next to his bed. He didn't notice Leo before the other boy spoke from behind Nico.

"Hey, Nico?"

Nico turned around, coming face to face with Leo. He tried not to notice how close they were standing. "Yeah?" He asked, trying not to sound as nervous as he felt.

"Just, uh... Could we talk? I mean... I need to talk to you," Leo stuttered and Nico felt his body freeze. _He can't know_. _There is no way he knows._ He sat down, trying to act normal. It was like his brain had decided to efficiently shut down completely, and forming a sentence became the hardest thing he could imagine.

"Um. Sure, we can talk. What do you, uh, have in mind?" He said, his voice shaking slightly.

Leo bit his lower lip, and _fucking hell_ wasn't that just adorable? Nico mentally slapped himself. _Do not go there now._

"Just, you know. I feel like we need to clear the air, before things get... weird, or whatever."

Nico's heart was on a roller coaster, speeding up so fast he was sure it was going to burst. He blinked rapidly. _How do normal people act?_ "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. Just..." Leo sighed, sitting down as well. "Piper said that communication is important but I'm so bad at this it's incredible. Right, um... Honesty hour, alright? So, firstly, I like you Nico. Like, a lot. And you're probably one of my best friends, even though we've known each other for, like, three months. And if we're going to have a deep conversation about stuff, I should probably start with the fact that I killed my mom."

**…**

Instead of looking horrified, like Leo had expected, Nico frowned. "What do you mean you killed your mother?"

"Well, uh, remember how I told you about how I used to live with my mom in Spain?"

Technically he hadn't _told_ Nico as much as vaguely mention it, trying to avoid the subject. He didn't expect the other boy to actually remember it – he knew he probably wouldn't. And yet Nico nodded, saying, "Yeah, you said it a few weeks ago."

Leo restrained the surprised look and turned his eyes away from Nico to the floor. It was hard enough to talk about this, he didn't need to see Nico's reaction too.

"... Right. Well, anyway," he continued, "we had this small apartment that mostly served as a workshop. My mom was into that, and I guess I got that from her, you know? My dad wasn't around, he left when I was little. My mom never complained about it, though, so I guess I didn't lose too much. So we lived there, just the two of us, and it was all cool. Mom was really nice; the best person I've ever known. She just... yeah."

Leo paused, considering his next words. Nico hadn't interrupted yet, which was a good thing. If Leo stopped now, he would never finish. _And when he knows_ , the voice whispered, _he'll leave for sure. Who could love a miserable, pointless human like you?_ He carried on, pointedly ignoring the voice.

"One day, she went to work on something. I can't remember what it was, I was about eight at the time. It doesn't matter. The door leading to her working room was always open, because she liked to be able to hear me if I was in any trouble. Except, that day the door was closed. Locked. I dunno why, maybe it was the wind or I accidentally pushed it shut while running around, who knows. The point is that the door was not open. I was drawing in the living room, and... My mom, she loved candles. It didn't matter what time of the year it was; chances were there was at least one candle burning somewhere. And there was one on the living room table. You can probably guess where this is going, but..."

"The house burned, didn't it?" Nico asked softly, and when Leo lifted his head he was standing up and crossing the small room. The bed dipped under Nico's weight next to Leo. "Leo, I'm sor–"

"You don't get it," Leo interrupted and Nico fell silent. "I didn't like my drawing. That day, I didn't like whatever the hell I drew, and I decided to burn it. It's all my fucking fault that the flames spread and my mom got trapped inside. I could've saved her; I could've prevented the whole thing but I just... I didn't. And so it's my fault."

Leo had told this to himself for as long as he remembered. The firemen who'd eventually cooled the remains of their house down had asked him what had happened, and the police had asked him, and the woman at his first foster home had asked him. _I killed her_ , he'd replied. _It was my fault._ No one else had blamed him, though – it had been put down as an accident on the official records, and after that Leo had never told anyone about it except Piper. And now Nico.

The silence following his words was painful. Leo didn't dare to look at Nico, fearing his reaction. He kept still, eyes on the floor, doing his best to not run away. Then a pair of hands sneaked around his shoulders, and Nico pulled Leo into a hug, turning slightly so his head ended up resting on the side of Leo's neck, nose pressing to his skin. Leo, if possible, froze even more.

"Listen to me," Nico started, mumbling quietly next to Leo's ear. "I don't care what you think, but it wasn't your fault. And don't even start arguing, just hear me out," he added as if sensing that Leo was about to open his mouth to protest. Leo pressed his lips into a tight line, eyeing Nico from the corner of his vision. All he could see was a mop of black hair, a few strands tickling Leo's skin. He tried to ignore the way his heart sped up.

"You were only eight, Leo. There was no possible way that you could've known that the door was shut, or even if you did, that it would've made a difference. _You_ didn't kill your mom, the fire did, right? Even if it was your drawing that started it all, how could you have known? Eight-year-olds don't necessarily think all that rationally. You just wanted to get rid of the drawing," Nico spoke and Leo could feel his breath with every word. "So if you thought that you could scare me away with that, you were wrong. I'm still here, and I'm not going anywhere."

And Leo felt something within himself _shift_. Something snapped in his head, like a channel had been turned on a television, and he realized that there was perhaps some actual sense behind Nico's words. Maybe Leo hadn't, after all, been guilty. Maybe... maybe there was a chance he could get over the whole event one day and stop blaming himself. He turned, wrapping himself around Nico and letting all of the pent up feelings from the past years out. If Nico minded the tears on his shirt, he didn't mention it. "Thank you," Leo whispered to Nico after he'd calmed down, still resting his head against Nico's shoulder.

"For what?" Nico whispered back. "I just told you the truth."

"Exactly."

They broke apart, but still sitting close enough for Leo to be aware of Nico's every move. "So, now it's your turn to share something. Honesty hour, right?" Leo sniffed after a while, offering Nico a small smile.

Nico took a deep breath, as if bracing himself. "Well, if we're really going to have a mini therapy session here, then I should tell you that my sister is dead and I keep having nightmares about it."

Leo blinked once, twice. "I saw a therapist for a year after I started to burn myself on purpose," he said and rolled his sleeves up, revealing the mostly faded scars there.

Nico shuffled closer, imitating his movement and then dragging a finger softly across his broken skin. "I cut myself."

"I was in an abusive relationship," Leo confessed quietly. _You wanted it_ , a voice hummed in his head. Leo shook his head in an effort to silence it. "I mean, by definition. I'm still figuring it all out." _There's nothing to figure out,_ the voice mocked. _You miss it_.

"I'm sorry," Nico said, and it sounded like he meant it. "That's… I'm here, if you ever need to talk."

Leo nodded, casting his eyes downwards. "Likewise, Nico. Always."

The clock slowly made its way towards night, and three am found them both on the floor, lying next to each other and staring at the glow-in-the-dark stars Leo had put up. Not those crappy lights you get from a shop with two dollars, but rather real looking ones that he'd, apparently, spent a lot of time on.

"I feel like after opening up about all that, you should probably also know that I'm... I'm gay," Nico mumbled and Leo felt his heart do a happy dance. He felt much lighter otherwise, too, like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders no matter how cliché it sounded. A smile broke on his face, tugging the corners of his mouth.

"'s cool," he replied. "I don't like labels, I just... go with the flow. But yeah, I've dated guys too. Don't worry about it."

"Oh, that's... great," Nico said and Leo could've sworn he heard something like relief in his voice. He might have imagined it.

"So, we're all fair and square now? No more secrets?" Nico asked, tilting his head to look at Leo who looked back at him with a smile.

"No more secrets," he confirmed.

 _Except that I am quite possible falling in love with you_ , they both thought simultaneously.

**…**

Life moved forward normally, after that. Or at least as normally as you could expect. Nico still attended classes, spend his time with Leo, regularly called Hazel. His sister was getting more and more invested in his friendship with Leo, and he would've been lying if he said it didn't bother him. Nico didn't consider it to be anybody's business, and the constant interrogation was making him scared he was going to let something slip sooner or later. Hazel couldn't know that what he felt towards Leo ran deeper than mere _friendship_. He knew she'd be alright with it, eventually, but it wouldn't be fair to spring it on to her on top of everything else.

She didn't suspect anything yet, he didn't think. She kept asking what it was that was so special about Leo, what made him so trustworthy and nice, and Nico couldn't tell her too much. Mainly because he himself didn't _know_ , because Nico didn't fully understand what the hell he was feeling, but also because she would've snooped the truth out of him quickly. Although, Nico wasn't sure what that truth was, exactly. He liked Leo, obviously. He trusted him more than he'd trusted anyone in a long time. He was– well, yes, so maybe Nico was developing a crush. _Had_ developed a crush, already.

And he supposed he knew why, too. Leo wasn't just funny, and nice, and easy to talk to. He was also someone who _understood_ Nico, in a way that no one had understood him before. He, unlike Hazel, unlike his psychiatrists, knew exactly what Nico meant when he said he couldn't get out of bed. When he shut down and couldn't talk, couldn't breathe, couldn't see straight. When he couldn't do anything but curl up and wish for death. Leo understood and he didn't judge Nico for it. Which was much more than he could've asked for, really.

It was a few weeks later when Nico was sitting in the school library, alone for once, when Piper dropped down on the bench opposite to him. Nico sighed, marking the page he was on before lifting his head up. Piper was staring at him, her brows raised.

"Yes?" Nico asked, straightening his back.

"Where's Leo?" She asked, not moving her eyes from his. Nico found it much more intimidating than he was willing to admit.

"In our room, prepping for his exam. Thought I'd give him some space to study," Nico told her truthfully.

Piper nodded her head, finally averting her gaze and looking down at the table, scratching her head. "Look, we need to talk," she started, sounding resigned. "Because the thing is, I worry about Leo. Constantly. You know I have a reason to, or at least I assume that you know, because I'm hoping Leo for once actually listened to my advice and talked to you."

Nico nodded, confirming the unasked question. "We talked," he added as a clarification.

"Good. Then you know that he's not alright. Did he tell you about Ashton?" Piper's tone was hesitant and her voice low as she leaned closer over the table.

Nico skimmed through his memories of their conversation, and everything Leo had told him after that. He didn't remember the name, but he did remember Leo's scared voice saying _abusive relationship_. He involuntarily felt a spike of rage towards the person who'd thought they could hurt someone like Leo.

"The abusive asshole?" He asked, and his voice didn't sound like his own. It sounded cold, and distant – like it was someone else talking instead of Nico.

"Yeah," Piper confirmed. "I can't say much, it's not my place to tell. But I just wanted to say something, I had to." She took a deep breath, lifting her gaze to look Nico straight in the eyes. "Leo's been through a lot. He's been hurt before. And I know that he seems to think that you're alright, and I want to believe that because Leo deserves to have someone good in his life. Seriously. But if I hear one thing that seems out of place, if I see you so much as look at him in a weird way, I will come for you, no matter what. Are we clear?"

Nico stared back at her, searching her eyes. She was being honest. Nico figured she probably wouldn't have any qualms about making him disappear should he mistreat her best friend.

"I swear to you, Piper, that I'll never hurt him. Leo's– he's important. To me, to you, to other people. And I would never, _could_ never do him harm. Please trust me when I say that."

Piper looked at him for a while longer. Then her eyes softened, and she smiled. "I trust you," she proclaimed and then stood up. "I gotta find Jason, but just do me a favor and keep an eye out for Leo, alright?"

She was gone before Nico could reply.

He took the unfinished book with him as he returned to their room, his mind still reeling from the conversation. Ashton, Piper had called him. Nico wanted to know more about this Ashton, wanted to break his bones and make him suffer for what he had done. This wasn't a new feeling, per se, but it was new that it was out of protectiveness instead of his own rage and anger.

Nico stepped into their room minutes later, only to find Leo sleeping on his bed with his text book lying open on his chest. Nico smiled fondly, closing the door behind him as quietly as he could. He set his own book down before gently plucking Leo's from where it was, bookmarking the page he'd been on as he set it aside.

Leo didn't wake up even as Nico placed a blanket on top of him. He merely frowned deeply and curled tighter into himself. Nico wondered if he was having a nightmare, before deciding he didn't want to risk waking him up in case he wasn't.

He settled down on his own bed, drifting off while listening to the comforting sound of Leo's breathing and the constant _tap-tap_ on the window as it begun to rain.

**…**

" _You're just so fucking worthless, Leo. You know that?"_

_Leo glanced up, watching Ashton walk across the room to his own bed. His green eyes were sober for once, but they were filled with the familiar disgust. Leo felt his stomach curl up._

" _Oh?" He asked quietly, moving his gaze to the floor._ He's right _, a voice whispered in his head._ You're nothing. _Leo picked on the hem of his sleeve, trying not to scratch his arm. Ashton didn't know just how hopeless he was, and Leo didn't want to change that. Not yet anyway._

" _Yeah. What good are you anyway? I don't even know why I still hang around you."_

_Leo closed his eyes, sighing. "Good question," he mumbled._

" _I mean, at first you were fun to be around. And you're not that bad looking, either. But now you're just so... so dull. That's the word. You, Valdez, are a fucking dull, useless human."_

_Suddenly Leo felt fingers lift his chin up lightly, and then he was looking at Ashton's smirking face. His eyes were twinkling, staring straight into Leo. "And I think you know that, too. Ain't that right?"_

_Leo held his breath, panic and excitement settling in his stomach as Ashton moved closer, his lips hovering inches from Leo's. Leo's gaze zeroed on them, and from this distance he could easily make out every cut and line there. "You're fucking broken, Leo." And then their lips met, Ashton's teeth biting into Leo's lower lip and drawing blood while his hand travelled to Leo's neck, holding him in place. Leo could taste the irony liquid on his mouth, and smell the cigarette's Ashton had been smoking earlier, and feel the repulsion and the want to push Ashton away._

_But he couldn't. Of course he couldn't. Because deep down, no matter what, Leo enjoyed this. Somewhere in his sick, twisted mind he loved this too much to let it go. It was a game for Ashton, he knew, and Leo was in too deep on it. He'd already lost a long time ago. And so he pushed against Ashton, arms flinging over the other boy's shoulders and fingers pulling his hair, and everything was pain but it was good pain, the one that made him feel something, and he fell down on the bed with Ashton on top of him, and–_

Leo woke up, sitting straight up with his eyes wide open to check his surroundings. It was dark, and Leo checked the digital clock. _02:39_ am. He looked down to see a blanket resting on his lap, and frowned. Then everything from last night came back in a flash, and Leo felt his heart slow down a bit. He wasn't with Ashton. He'd been here, studying, alone. He was alright. Looking around Leo noticed his book on the table, and if he squinted his eyes he could make out Nico's sleeping form on the other bed.

He sighed, closing his eyes and dropping his head against his knees. He felt out of the loop, like he usually did after an anxiety attack. It made him feel like he was simply floating in time, not attached to anything, just drifting all over the place. Like nothing was quite real. Usually, Leo didn't have that much trouble differentiating reality from dreams, but he'd found the line could get blurred very easily sometimes.

Especially after Ashton.

"Why the fuck did I have that dream again?" Leo whispered out loud, his voice drowned out by the thudding sound of the rain. He buried his face in his hands, sighing again. He could still feel Ashton's fingers on his skin, the warmth of his lips on his, and... It had been over year ago. Why now?

 _Because someone needs to remind you what a waste you are,_ a voice that sounded eerily like Ashton whispered in his ear. _You didn't really think you could have a happy ever after, did you? You don't deserve that. Besides, Nico doesn't give a shit about you, you know?_

"I know," Leo mumbled quietly into his hands. "How could he ever like a fuck up like me? How could anyone?"

 _Exactly,_ the voice hummed. _You're no good for anyone, Valdez. So why not just end it?_

Leo lifted his head, staring blindly at the opposite wall. He never did fix those cracks there. It was probably too late now, anyway. Funny how some things seemed so important one moment and useless the next. Numbly, Leo let his eyes wander to the space next to Nico's bed, to where Nico had left his bag earlier. The voice had a point. What good was he alive? Ashton had been right, he was worthless. Nico was probably just pretending to be his friend anyway. And if he knew how deeply Leo felt for him, he would hate Leo just more. There was Piper, but she had Jason. She would survive without Leo there to burden her. He was sure of it.

He eyed Nico's bag, remembering what the other boy had said that one night, weeks back. _I cut myself._ Surely that meant he had something sharp enough with him?

Without a second thought Leo scrambled to his feet and tip toed over to where the bag was, kneeling down and searching through it with care. For some reason he didn't want Nico to wake up with all of his stuff thrown around. It didn't seem fair.

He found the scissors on the bottom, ignoring the painful twist his heart made at the thought of Nico ever having to resolve to _this_. He deserved more, deserved better. Nico deserved something Leo couldn't offer him.

Leo's hands trembled as he brought the scissors to his wrists, shaking hard as he let the steel dance across his skin. Blood started dripping down in small rivers, crossing each other as they went before dropping on to the floor. Leo felt his vision blurring, his hands going numb, and he dropped the scissors with a _cling_ and sank sideways to the floor. The welcoming darkness was taking over his mind, and Leo smiled hazily.

 _Good, Valdez. Now no one has to deal with you anymore_ , the voice said satisfactorily.

But before he slipped away into unconsciousness he could faintly hear the lights being flicked on, and something dropping down to the floor, and Nico's voice. He was yelling – why was he yelling? Leo wanted to frown, but then someone was touching his arms and shaking his shoulders and he stopped trying to stay awake.

Everything went quiet.

**…**

"... Leo? Leo, can you... Okay, so, I don't know if you can hear me or not. The doctors said that you're in a coma, or a really deep sleep, since you– 'cause you lost so much blood. But, uh... Either way, I'll just talk okay? The nurse said I could stay the night when I told her you don't have any living relatives. At least, any living relatives that care. I hope that's okay with you. Don't worry though, I didn't tell them about your mom. I'm pretty sure it's somewhere in their records but, um, I didn't want to betray your trust. Or something like that. I don't know. Anyway, I didn't say a word."

Nico looked at Leo who was laying on the hospital bed, not moving except for the small rising of his chest. _Alive and breathing_ , Nico thought with relief. Leo looked fragile, his tanned skin now pale and his wrists wrapped in bandages, his body covered with a too big of a blanket that seemed to swallow Leo's form whole. His eyes were shut close, hair falling on his forehead and almost reaching his nose. Without thinking about it, Nico leaned closer to brush the strands away, feeling Leo's cold skin by doing so. He remembered the way the same skin had burned like fire when they'd first met. That felt like a million years ago, even though it was just four or so months. Nico blinked away the tears forming in his eyes, turning his gaze away from Leo's face.

"This, uh, this is harder than I thought. I'm not exactly good with speeches, I guess. Or feelings. But you know that already, I think." Nico took a deep breath, his shoulders shaking slightly. "When I first came to the school, I was a mess. I was in pieces and I couldn't put myself together. I didn't want to. I wasn't over Bianca, not that I still am, I was mad at Hazel and I was, most importantly, mad at myself. I was cutting and suffocating my feelings and it... it wasn't healthy. At all. I felt like I didn't have a reason to be here. But then, uh, then I met you."

A small smile tugged at Nico's lips, his voice softening. "This is going to be so cheesy, you'd laugh at me." He glanced quickly at Leo. "No one had ever really understood me before. I mean, Hazel tried but she... she doesn't get it. What it means like to lose someone you love more than anything. I felt like no one got how I felt, like I was all alone. And then suddenly there was you. You, putting your mask on just like me, to try to fool everyone and I _knew_ you knew what I was going through. How I was feeling. You made me feel better without even opening your mouth. Then of course you _did_ open your mouth and I'm not sure if that was such a good thing," Nico said with a short laugh. His smile stretched, the corners of his eyes crinkling as Nico tilted his head downwards. His gaze wandered to the floor, tracing the outlines of the tiles.

"But it was. It was such a good thing. Because we started talking, and I started to feel better and better, and it was so fantastic. You were fantastic. You were– you _are_ so funny, and talented, and wonderful, and I just... I knew that you were like me, deep down. That you were broken like me. But I guess I ignored that, instead of trying to help. I'm so sorry for that. So, so sorry. That I didn't do as much as I could have."

Leo stayed still, too still, and Nico dragged a hand over his face with a sigh, the smile disappearing. "You kissed me, then. Sort of. I think it counts, anyway. And that made me think, about how... how I feel. _What_ I feel for you, I mean. It, uh, it scared me. A lot. To realize how much I cared. To realize that, I've never cared so much about anyone. And I didn't know how to deal with that, so I relapsed. I don't think you know this. I'm not sure. But anyway, that was the night we had our first proper talk. About, well, everything. And it was the best feeling in the world, to feel like you… like you really knew how I felt. It was such a _relief._ " He chuckled dryly. "You don't know this either, but that night when you…" Nico trailed off, frowning. "Um, Piper talked to me, before that. Gave me a shovel talk, essentially. And I promised her that I wouldn't let any harm come to you."

Nico swallowed, closing his eyes. "And so please, Leo. You know what it feels like. When someone you love dies." Nico's voice broke, his words coming out shakily. "Don't do this to me. I can't– I can't go through it again. I can't. Especially without you, Leo, I don't... Don't you dare die on me, Valdez. Because I love you, so much that it scares me, and I can't lose you too, I _can't_ , I... "

Nico licked his lips, leaning in to rest his head on the edge of the bed. His hand found Leo's bandaged one, and he wrapped his fingers around Leo's. "You fixed me. Maybe not fully, and maybe without meaning to, but you did. And I love you, you bloody idiot. So much. And I need you to come back so I can tell you that properly, and kiss you, and hug you, and do all those stupid dating things, and then we can ditch school together and move to fucking Spain if you want. And we'll have a mechanic shop for you, and I can continue studying there, and..."

Nico trailed off. "Please, Leo," he whispered. "Don't leave me now."

Heavy silence filled the room, the only voice coming from the quiet beeping of the machine Leo was attached to. Nico didn't know what to do when– _if_ Leo didn't wake up. He would though – he had to. With Bianca gone, and Leo gone, Nico wouldn't be able to bear it alone, the outside world. He _needed_ Leo to wake up.

It was a few minutes later when he felt the slight tug at his fingers. Nico lifted his head so fast he was afraid he'd break his neck, staring at their intertwined hands in shock. Leo's hand had moved, just the tiniest bit. Nico dragged his chair closer, not letting go of Leo for a second.

"Hey? Leo, are you awake? Do you hear me? Leo?"

He watched Leo's face, watched how the other boy slowly, _so slowly_ , blinked his eyes open. He tried to focus his bleary gaze on Nico who felt his heart froze and then start flipping around way too fast.

"Hey," Leo whispered hoarsely and when he made a move to sit up Nico snapped out of his shock. He gently pushed Leo back with his free hand, and realized how much he was shaking now. Nico opened and closed his mouth with no words coming out, his mind trying to form a coherent sentence.

"Don't _ever_ scare me like that again, don't you fucking dare," he finally whispered back and before Leo could reply, Nico leaned closer and pressed their lips together in a soft kiss. He pulled away after a few seconds, staying only a couple of inches away. And then Nico's brain caught up with his body, and he jerked away in panic.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to–"

He stopped short when he noticed Leo's expression. The other boy was smiling warmly with his teeth showing and eyes looking straight into Nico's, and _god_ Nico had already missed that smile so much, missed everything about Leo, and–

"Don't look so freaked out," Leo muttered quietly. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

Nico started to smile but stopped midway through, frowning instead. "Don't joke about that. You were this close to... just, don't. Please."

Leo averted his gaze, looking at their joined hands, and Nico realized he still hadn't let go. Before he could, though, Leo curled his fingers more tightly around Nico's. "I know," he mumbled. "And I– I'm sorry. For trying to, you know. I wasn't thinking clearly."

Nico stayed silent, letting Leo figure his thoughts out. Finally, he looked back at Nico, not smiling anymore. "I, uh, heard you. When you were talking, just now. And before you run away in panic," he added quickly, "let me say a few things. Firstly, I don't know what you were talking about not being good with speeches. You're a real poet, dude," he chuckled. "But, um, I'm not. So, let's just put the cards on the table. I tried to kill myself."

Nico flinched, but Leo went on, ignoring him. "And it had nothing to do with you. It was just, like I said... I wasn't thinking clearly. I just recalled some unpleasant things, it was late at night, I don't… I guess we'll have to talk about it, at some point. If you want to. Anyway, I didn't die. Obviously. And I might not be, well, sane, or I might actually be dead and be in heaven right now, or this is a dream or something, but... Whatever the case, I love you, too. I don't know how it happened, and I don't know why or when but I do. A lot. And I want you to know that."

Before Nico had any time to react, Leo grinned at him, sitting up the best he could. He leaned forward to place a gentle kiss on the corner of Nico's mouth, before moving to rest his head against Nico's shoulder. Nico's free hand started to brush through his curls, and he closed his eyes. He was here, with Leo, both of them alive and as well they could be. It felt like a miracle.

"By the way," Leo mumbled against Nico's skin, "Spain sounds fucking awesome."

Nico chuckled, smiling. It'd be alright.  _They'd_ be alright.


End file.
